he thought i was a dude.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
