I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
