Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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