I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
