I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Why can't burritos get me drunk
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
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