Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
