It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
