My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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