I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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