Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
