hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
