Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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