Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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