this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
