Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
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