Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
She even gives head with a lisp.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize