the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
