at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
