her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
