I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
love makes seman taste better
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
