You're completely useless in the revolution.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
bring money and cleavage
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
