It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
They took my balls.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
