Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
my being single is dangerous.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
