You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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