Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
