forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
