Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
