oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He shit in the fireplace
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