oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
