i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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