You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
