Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
