Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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