Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
