I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I supernannyed him into submission
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
