New invention idea: vibrating tampons
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
