Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
