I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
