Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
