Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
