my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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