Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
