WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize