I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
