I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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