u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
