hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
