I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Randomize