Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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