If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
