I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
