I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
