she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You left your phone here
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