plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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