what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
we should paint friendship bongs
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
