I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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