it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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