Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
