She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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