Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize