On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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