so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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